those smiles..
this picture was probably taken. 5 months back. i miss how everything were but i'm not saying that things weren't great now but i guess i just miss those heartwarming feelings. those days where i go to bed and waking up with a smile everyday, never a day i'm sad even tho we argued even tho we fought badly but at then end of the day we still solved everything together and go to bed with smiles. i honestly felt so blessed everyday.
i guess it's because he gave me almost everything i used to yearn from people i used to date. i used to fight for attention and time and i always wanted to spend my weekends with my special one when i was schooling but unfortunately those i used to date was always so busy working and free time that they got was always lazing at home playing online games. for those who know me, i'm the outgoing kind. so i'd search for entertainments, friends to spend the weekend the only days i'm free when i'm schooling, things to do to get me by each day i'm alone. whenever i'm out with my friends during the weekends i envied every single girls out there who get to spend their free days from school with their special one where mines is always working.
so.. Shamus was different.. when i started dating him. he prioritized me infront of everyone. he'd spend all his free time with me, bringing me along wherever he went, my weekends my only free time when i'm schooling were all always spent happily with him, any occasions, even when i'm working he'll give me a surprise by my workplace. and because what i used to experienced in the past, being used to having freedom and going out with my friends as and when i like, i thought Shamus was clingy. then slowly he changed my priorities, how i change the way that i should feel blessed and happy instead because as to compared to other girls out there not many of their bf is willing to spend all their time for them and to how i used to experienced. i begin to cherish, i begin to want to spend every free time of mine with him. we were practically living in our own world, happily.
(where i'm still having my internship)
things weren't exactly the same now. i mean.. those happiness those days where i felt so worry-free so happy everyday. after his ord, after what had happened last month, things bound to change.
i guess what we had in the past those good times were probably too carefree, the ups in our lifes in our relationship. our finance weren't really a problem probably because he used to be still in the army having side pocket money and i've got mines so we weren't really putting a headache into it. our time, i was still schooling and having my intern after that while he was still in army so fairly; our time together will normally be weekends or any other days i'm available to go over during my sch days. even if i was working i'd never set schedule on the weekends because i thought it would be fair for him as i get to only spend 3 full days fully with him because weekends were his only 'off' days from army. and during my intern off days were usually all with him, he'd surprise me by popping out at my workplace or come over purposely to fetch me after work every now and then and we'd go for mini dates after that and i would always schedule myself to work morning so i'd get the whole evening and night time with him. grandma then passed away, he came down almost everyday of her wake to acc me and i'm so thankful for that time and energy he used it on me for me.
once in awhile, he'd surprise me with gifts especially all those Pandora charms and i'd get him things he's eyeing for. all the 'missing you' all the excitement and sparks all the long awaited off days or weekends all the surprise planned dates all the "i want you to be everywhere i go in every trips, just anywhere" all the "we did always include each other in or bring along one another" eveywhere or any occasions we've individually
his side job outside was never a problem for us too. probably because he didn't pay much of a attention and time to it so respectively, everything were going on so fine. even tho he always annoy the shit out of me whenever he wants to play his online games whenever i'm over at his place or i finally have the time to spend with him during my off day. i still appreciate him trying to find online movies to catch together or games we could play tgt. so i thought, why don't i learn how to play d2 so i could play with him and we'd lessen our arguements over it too.
things happened over last month. i guess it was a huge huge blow for the both of us. all of everything starts to slowly lessen. it kind of feel like a wake up call for us. i don't know, maybe we're enjoying our lifes together too much that it's time for hard work now? it was a tough phase for us, but we managed to pass through it. and after everything, i've accepted things don't always stays the same forever. 309 days we were walking together side by side, i just wish we'd walk the road together a little longer, perhaps long enough for the future together. and i know that Shamus and I probably don't have much in common but i hope we will still be trying to accept our differences and learn to love it.
somehow i figured, we probably love ourself too much. too much that we are afraid to get hurt, due to what we used to experienced. so we often put up our ego whenever we argue, we often only want our point to be heard and done because we are afraid either one takes advantages. we are afraid to let everything down to get hurt.. so we end up being self-centred and selfish. but the truth is, everbody is going to hurt you, you just got to find someone that is worth the pain.
