3 weeks. everyday i told myself to be positive. 2 operations, both physically and mentally painful, but i brave through it. my love ones, my friends, the doctors and nurses, everyone said i was brave but who actually knew i was really really afraid inside? everyone thought i was okay, even the one who said he understands me best my other half. but deep down, i feel so terrible everyday. idk whats wrong with me. i think half a lot more than usual, i get sensitive half a lot more. i get upset for nothing then i end up bursting into a waterfall. and it appears to happen every night. i keep questioning myself, where have i done wrong to deserve such sufferings? what have i did to deserve such lesson? why am i the only one bearing most of it? what have i did? what's wrong?

and the fact is i am not okay. i am not. but yet everyday i've to bear it all in.  sometimes i really needed his accompany, his love, his concern the most but i keep it all in because i feel enough of a burden. everyone only know how to say it will get better, just stay positive if you don't help yourself no one can help you and all sort of words. but how to when you guys weren't the one in my shoe having all these pain, having all these difficulties to move about, having all these thoughts? it's been 20 years of my life, the first time i'm undergoing a operation and it's both together one after another within a week. am i traumatized that's why? or because of all the physical pain i am having that is frustrating and painful, that is hurting everyday and i'm alone with it? or is all these after effect of my hormones? or am i really feeling it? 

i just dont know whats wrong with me. i get angry so easily, sad and frustrated so easily, happy so easily, paranoid so easily during these 3 weeks and it's still ongoing. i just dont wish to feel this way anymore. it's so terrible so so terrible inside. worst still, it's making me having unwanted arguments with S. or maybe i just really really needed more attention and care at this point of time.. sigh.

 my finger hurts so bad, pls pls recover. pls return me back my normal life again lord? i just feel everything is taken away from me.. what should i do? what's wrong with me?