feelings

I don't know if it's right i don't know if i did it right i don't know i don't know.. once again, all i can hope is to minister you, please don't break this. I'm tired of getting walls down, letting people in and once again destroying my life, leaving. I don't know this is the number how many post i'm saying about this, but yes, i'm this afraid. I just don't know how to step out of my comfort zone again. You broke me literally so damn much till i fear, every single thing. Trust issues.. one of the most major ones.

Sometimes, i'm afraid you'd get bored of me. I'm afraid all these isn't real. I'm afraid, i'm not good enough because i'm never was, never were. Because once, twice and thrice, i gave my best to someone and that someone thrash it into the bin right infront of me. Crashing all my hopes, thrashing all my efforts, smashing this fragile thing.. till then, i don't know how to be good enough for someone again. I've too much fears inside of me, too much that i'm afraid to even voice any out because fearing you did use it against me as my weak/soft spot is yet another thing. I made a mistake once, and i don't wish this mistake carries on with you. I'm happy for you include me inside a part of it. I don't wish to fall downhill again. carry me along with you, bring me along side by side with you. i'm afraid.. fak u feelings fak u

and to whom this may concern. if you ever happen to drop by here again, i wish you happiness. you gave me too much to remember but i guess all these too much are slowly fading, distancing. they are becoming so blurry in my memory i've lost your touch. ego pride girls > me. that's it. you don't need me, i wouldn't be that stupid for the third time. i've lost you and you've lost me for real this time. 5 4 years.

adding on, i miss what it's like to call family