Trying hard to munch on my packet of caramel corns while typing this out at 1218am. My tooth and gums still hurts adding on to my ulcers and ran out of pain killers. Meh.
Thinking about life. I feel like sometimes it's just like my heart says yes and my mind says no, vice versa. It's like whenever I put in all my efforts upon doing something or changing for the better for that special one but it just feels like that one, doesn't appreciate or even sees the efforts // changes i've put through. Or maybe one did but from what I feel, it's not right.
I don't if I should say I'm being a fool once twice or thrice again but still i persist in fighting and trusting for what I want even though I know how much it hurt me. And how much I got those back at me I don't know why I'm still not giving up. Perhaps that's what they called the importance of someone to you? But whatever it is no matter how harsh or tough it is i would still be there.
Sometimes I looked hard but I feel that it wasn't what it supposed to be, what i know of. Just suddenly I felt the emptiness. The stranger feeling I get. Like it's so far away, untouchable.
Right now i know i can't break down. Even when I hit rock bottom I still gotta stand back up on my own. I know she needs me. And i know this isn't the life she wanted, i can tell how much pain from her eyes. But just who the hell is gonna be supporting and encouraging me? I feel like i've fell so hard this time, that I couldn't even stand back up. I don't expect him to hear me out always, to be there for me always but just a comforting hug will do. Or even a phone call. Just tell me everything's gonna be alright.
How much I do wrong can't even be compared to what i had in-return.
Those were the most hurtful memories. Then again, i chose to forgive. I chose to keep on trying still. But. I'm still always in the wrong for being there, for hearing out. For trying my best on putting that smile up on his face. For wanting to do more yet those unappreciative comments and back offs. Throwing every effort in that bin nearby you. When will one starts to appreciate me again? To need me again? Enough of those blames.
I miss that feeling. The feeling you get when you have someone in your life you can tell things to. A person that you can tell your day about, rants vents happiness unhappiness. Knowing that they are truly listening. The feeling of a person who wants to talk to you, because you are you.
And i know it has been tough but i'm still cheering for you.
